Columbo!

No, not the detective.

Back in 1986, just before I went into Basic, I had to go to the Fitness Training Company. I couldn't pass the minimum on the sit-ups test.

All we did was work out--jogging, push-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, weights, push-ups, and push-ups. Our Assistant Drill Sergeant was a cool guy from Kingston, complete with the accent, mon, but without the Eddie Grant dreadlocks. One afternoon, he took us out on a little hike and called a "cadence" that was...frowned upon by the powers that be.

This is a cleaner version of it--not nearly as raunchy as the one we did:

In eighteen hundred and ninety four,
in the streets of old Bigotti.
There lived a young Italian lad,
selling hot tomalies.
He said the world was round-o,
he said it could be found-o.
The hypothetical, navigatin', son-of-a-bitch Columbo.

The queen she gave him three tall ships,
they all were triple deckers.
The queen she waved her handkerchief,
Columbo waved his pecker
He said the the world was round-o,
he said it could be found-o.
That hypothetical, navigatin', son-of-a-bitch Columbo.

His first mate was a cabin boy,
a dirty little nipper.
They lined his bunk with broken glass,
and circumcised the skipper.
He said the world was round-o,
he said it could be found-o.
That hypothetical, navigatin', son-of-a-bitch Columbo.

It was a welcome change from stuff like this:

Here we go again
Same old stuff again
Marching down the avenue
Six more weeks and we'll be through
I'll be glad and so will you

This was the era of the "New Army"--the cadences had to be cleaned, the Drills couldn't touch you (to administer attitude adjustments), couldn't curse, lots of new rules. I don't think I missed out, really, given my attitude toward authority types. The people I trained with in Basic were smart and knew their stuff, and they were some of the few authority figures I've ever actually respected. I don't think I'd have made it, though, with the R. Lee Ermey approach to Drill Instructors. Still, it makes for great cinema, seeing him in "Full Metal Jacket."

Basic Training was the most fun I've ever had--but when my ETS date came up on August 3, 1992, I walked away and haven't even considered going back: the authority figures in my home unit were lacking. My immediate superior was an insurance salesman who had to be trained by yours truly before he could do his job. More about him...later.