My Car Will Defeat You

...if you're a valet at the hospital.

I decided to try the valet parking instead of hiking halfway across the parking garage's second level and crossing the flyover to the Medical Mall. Cutting a couple hundred feet off the walk makes a difference.

I pulled up and asked the guy, "Can you drive a stick?" He said he could, so I left it running, took my ticket, and limped into the building. Lobby, elevator, lobby, hallway (huh, my car's still sitting at the valet drop-off), doctor's office. Maybe half an hour later, I was back at the valet drop, handing my ticket to a different guy.

He looked at the number, got my keys, and tore them off their ticket, on which someone had written, "Customer must get own car."

"Is it a stickshift?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, it's straight through there, about 10 feet to the left of that silver car."

Crosswalk, goddamn stairs, ground floor of parking garage, 100 feet. Silver car, my car nowhere in sight. Middle lane, still no car, 40 feet. Turn around, wondering why the hell anyone hires valet people who can't drive a stick...there she is! 60 feet more. There's that 200 feet I was trying to avoid.

I didn't collapse into the seat, at least.

Kind of defeated the purpose of valet parking.

I'll gladly teach all their valets how to drive for $20 each using the Highly Classified Click & Clack NPR Stickshift Driving School Technique, of which I cannot write further.

Highly Classified.

Gimme twenty bucks.